Creepy Crawlers Champion of Central NJ: 1993-1996 (self-proclaimed)

Does anyone remember Creepy Crawlers? When this toy hit the market, I flipped my lid, and crapped my pants at the same time so I guess I crapped my lid. When I saw the commercials on Nickelodeon, I thought the coolest toy in the world had just been invented. God was happy and wanted to reward me! I specifically, and literally, remember thinking, "This toy is so practical. I don't have to put quarters into the rubber toy vending machines outside of Shop Rite anymore."

The fact that I was buying a junk toy workshop should have signaled something was wrong with me. Why was I so ecstatic about making little plastic, worthless bugs anyway? And the brunt of my childhood problems was putting quarters into junky vending machines? Take that kids born in crackhouses!

For those unfamiliar with the crawlers, the toy was basically an Easy-Bake oven for manly men, who like to play with neon colored glue bottles. Originally manufactured in 1964, the oven came back with a bang in 1992. Creepy Crawlers oven would come with die cast, metal molds that could also be used as a paper weight or to bludgeon your friends to death with. The molds were shaped as various insects and dinosaurs. I believe there was even the faggy saber tooth tiger series of molds. I had that one! You'd then squeeze plastic, glue like, colorful substances into the molds, in any wacky and imaginative way you'd like, and bake them until the oven gave you the magic you deserved.

Thinking back, this toy was not only boring, but highly dangerous. There's nothing like giving a kid a toy that makes the sun's core feel like a moist gym sock in comparison. And on top of that, the kid would then stick obscenely heavy pieces of metal into them. All in the pursuit to make bugs.

But still, I loved this machine. This wasn't like that stupid Ricochet remote controlled car or that touch-it-once-it-falls-apart microscope I put back in the box after one use. This was one of the few toys I dreamt about as a kid and actually used daily, like I was trying to learn the guitar or master the art of constructing 18th century Venetian blinds. I had zip lock bags full of these damned little bugs. Sometimes, I'd throw them on my living room rug, roll around in them and start screaming, "they're eating me. Help me. Bug invasion. Eating my spine!" And at that point, I think I was 11. And I wonder why my father hates me sometimes.

One day, my mother threw my plastic bugs out on me when she was cleaning the basement. I was so mad, I ran to my room, thinking of the hours I had invested in producing such masterfully colorful insects. My collection was enormous! "This woman has no appreciation for the arts," I screamed into my pillow. Actually, I doubt I said that, but I was pissed.

Today, as I recall the Creepy Crawlers machine and various molds, I just want to say, thank you mom for throwing those worthless pieces of crap away so I could get on with my life. If not for you, I'd be in my car, placing fake centipedes and mini, plastic, triceratops' on my face, screaming my head off in the middle of traffic.