Cloverfiled Predictions

Tomorrow, the much hyped, much debated, much message-boarded (?) movie, "Cloverfield" hit theaters, and frankly, I think it's gonna be one redundant, boring, and predictable exercise in innovative film making, if by innovative we mean hand held camera work.

Also, everyone seems to be getting a real boner regarding this movie because mega-stud of the television world and behind-the-scenes geek mogul, J.J. Abrams, has his fingerprints all over the thing. Now, I still can't figure out why we as a viewing public keep giving this guy so much credit for his awesomeness. Granted, I am a big fan of "Lost" but let's check out his rap sheet:

J.J. Abrams-Achievements!!!!!
-Co-creator of ABCs hit TV show "Lost" (okay, that's cool. But he was brought in to help try to sell the show in the first place based on his other TV hit "Alias")
-Creator of "Alias" (this is not a cool thing at all.)
-Co-Creator of the WBs smash hit show "Felicity" (This is also not a good thing.)
-Directed "Mission: Impossible III (Wow, another boner of a movie in the chronicles of American film)
-Wears super hip black rimmed glasses with spiked hair. (people think this makes him cool but he just looks like a lame Ira Glass from "This American Life")

I have revoked JJ Abrams of any credit for doing anything significant in this world.

Now, here are my Cloverfield Predictions:
-The film opens up with that party scene we keep seeing on the commercials. You know, the one where that Daniel Stern looking guy says, "this is gonna be the best night ever." Nice ironic foreshadowing. I bet this party scene will last at least 25 minutes, showing tons of boring and shallow characters that the film wants us to get to like and sympathize with.

-Then the monster comes as we keep waiting for anything to happen at all. The room will probably shake, signifying the beginning of the attack. Explosions in the sky. Statue of Liberty's head whizzes along the street. People scream. The mayhem has started.

-Then, people at the party can't find their friends. They freak out. One group of friends break off and band together. Inevitably, one guy becomes the unnamed leader of the pack. They retreat to the subways. Then, we're stuck in here for a while as loud banging noises come from the streets above. At some point, the power goes out.

-After a lot of suspenseful noises and hard to identify flashes in the dark salvation arrives. Eventually, the army comes in to rescue our band of friends in distress. One or two of the semi-main characters will die during the duration of the rescue mission. The black friend will also disappear during the course of the film.

-Now the army tries to air lift the group out as we see areal shots of the smoldering skyscrapers. The group of friends cry in disbelief, covered in blankets, dried blood stuck to their brows.

-We realize the devastation continues. No happy ending. The film becomes an allegory for global warming, pollution, and/or nuclear war. The movie turns out to be, basically, the middle of a Godzilla movie turned into a feature length. Roll credits.

That's what I think "Cloverfield" will turn out to be. 90 minutes of a new "Blair Witch Project" that people won't bitch about because we'll see CGI explosions and brief glimpses of the monster. I hope to see this thing during a matinée showing or the Tuesday night $5 special at the multiplex. If anyone sees this movie over the weekend, feel free to tell me if I was on or off with these predictions. Happy viewing.