Cloverfield on a School Night

***If anyone hasn't seen this, there maybe a slight spoiler with very little info somewhere in here. But I don't think that will ruin the movie for 'ya.

Begin:
I finally saw the movie everyone's been telling their grandma's and mailmen to see. I went into it really, honestly, truthfully hoping to, not love it, but like it enough. I wanted to put all doubts and pessimisms behind me and just enjoy myself. I didn't want to feel like the only pretentious dick around who'd be waving my anti-flag (no relation to that band), and yelling negative things about a cultural phenomenon. But "Cloverfield" proved almost everything I had feared about the movie.

My friend, Shadi and I (I hope he doesn't care I mentioned his name. Sorry buddy), have been in a sporadic, all encompassing argument with one another since we were about 15 concerning the things pop culture we like. He's a big movie and music fan and so am I. But I think we pretty much hate 90% of the stuff each other likes. There's the occasional agreements, but he's kept life interesting, always putting down the underground and obscure shit I like. His recent bombast about my anti-pop-culturalism, in response to my "Cloverfield" predictions, got me thinking, "maybe I am being to harsh about this." I mean, I had never seen it, yet I was predicting the whole fucking plot like a midget God. In a way, I was branding the movie a piece of crap before watching just because I knew there was CGI in it. So, I thought I'd lighten up, and try to enjoy it. But again, I'm just could not like "Cloverfield." Here's why.

The characters were the worst people ever! I tried to overlook them. I tried to focus on the explosions and blood. After all, there's death and destruction running amok in the streets of New York. Why bother focusing on a group of bullshit characters when you have, as comedian *Ron Bennington calls it, "9/11 porn" flashing on the screen? But yet, these characters infected every scene. Not so much the running away and all that, since that's expected. But the stupid pausing to tell a corny joke. Terribly acting their cries for help into the camera. The ridiculous speech at the end. And on top of that, they turned this movie into a fucking love story. There's no need for this balderdash.

"Cloverfield" was nothing more than a Universal Studios ride, except they didn't spray me with water and shoot fire over my head. But, I didn't mind that. The film actually gave me a few adrenalin rushes as the suspense built. It was what action movies had failed to be for so many years, since "Die Hard" rip-offs became formulaic. "Cloverfield" did bring some fun and fancy fresh visual and aural action back to the screen. For those who have seen the film, the scene in which the army shoots at the monster while they run for the subway was one loud, bright, and intense scene that really got me excited. But, where the film went wrong was giving us too far and few of these moments of intensity, while we watched our heroes (?) run around like, um... bad actors.

First, the film tried to establish sympathy and character development (yeah right), at that annoying party scene. It was during this scene I had a quarter life crisis, thinking "Holy shit. This is really what people act like now a days." It was a diverse collection of Manhattan douchebaggery crammed into a young executive's hip apartment. I couldn't relate and just felt annoyed because I know these people, and I saw a guy in a plaid shirt and dark glasses walking around in the background, like me. Oh no wait, that was a JJ Abrams cameo. It made me want to go to that party, drink a lot, and pass out to die in the destruction.

I originally thought from the previews, "Cloverfield" would make a great 30 minute short film. After seeing the movie, I still feel that way. If this jitter cam fest was squeezed into an explosive, cryptic, and dark 30 minutes, I think I'd be blown away. I wouldn't care about the intrusiveness of special effects. There' d be less character interaction which would lead to a heightened, paranoid, everyman feeling of actually, physically being stuck in that situation. We wouldn't be wading through a mire of slow romantic subplot.

So I'm sorry to say, that I didn't not like "Cloverfield" I saw hope in it that I didn't think I'd see. It gave me some surprises, some shocks. It had a threads of potential. But those threads only frayed into the hyped film I thought it might be. So go ahead. Tell me I'm wrong. And maybe I am. An anti mother fucker over thinking something people just want to eat popcorn to. Because $46 million and counting in ticket sales can't be wrong. Oh wait, what about "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York"?



*Ron Bennington appears on the Ron and Fez Show on XM radio. Now that's some satisfying shit right there.