My Opinion of "Cop and a Half" and the People Who Hate Me For It

The guy on the left with the drool on his shirt is Mikey Achino. He thinks I'm an ugly fag because the only kid's movie every that I didn't like happened to be his favorite. What follows below, is the true story.


Facebook, myspace's evil twin, added a movie review section a couple months back, and for a while, I was addicted. Now it's come back to bite me in the ass and make me cry. Boo-hoo-hoo. Can you hear me now?

The movie review section allows you to rate any movie on the good old star system (1 to 5 stars), and write a little review. Basically, it's a movie review blog center for you and your friends to see what each other enjoys. Pretty simple stuff, right? Wrong. It's hurtful.

A few months ago, I reviewed the Henry Winkler (the Fonz) directed movie "Cop and a Half." This movie holds a special rotten place in my heart. It stars Burt Reynolds as a washed up cop chasing some hardened criminals who, of course, always seem to find themselves outwitted by a zany dog or something. However, in this movie, the criminals are duped by an aging Reynolds, and a little black kid. Hence, the title. There's a cop. And I guess the little black kid is a half. I believe that's racist.

When I was little, I used to play with my grandma's next door neighbor Carissa. Carissa would slap me in the throat, kick my shins, and push me in the hedges. And her mother would invite me over to dinner every now and then. One time, her father asked me to remove my Dick Tracy hat because there were no hats at the dinner table. I never went back again.

One day Carissa's mom asked me if I wanted to go see Disney's newest masterpiece, "Aladdin." I said I wanted to, but then incessantly complained about going to see a wimpy movie. After days of whining, Her mother asked what I wanted to see instead. So, I named the manliest movie out at the time, "Cop and a Half." Two kids movies, one made to be a contemporary classic, the other made to help pay off Burt Reynolds hot tub debts. It was like going to Emeril's restaurant and ordering dried toast.

So, we passed up the movie Carissa and her mother wanted to see and saw the movie I didn't want to see at all, but wanted to see more than "Aladdin." And I hated it. As a child, I liked any movie. Especially kids movies. But even at the time, I couldn't believe how bad "Cop and a Half" was. It annoyed me, especially the kid helping the cop.

Cut to present times, and Facebook. I decided to review the movie, giving it a half-a-star, in honor of that half-a-kid. In my meaningless review, I called the kid in the movie "ugly," which he was. In every children's movies, the kids were usually cute and relateable. But the kid from "Cop and a Half" was definitely picked from the bottom of the casting barrel. I finished my review, basically saying how much I hated it and went on with my life.

The rest of 2007 started winding down. Thanksgiving came and went. So did Christmas. Then, early today, January 26, 2008, my review came back to sting. I logged onto my Facebook account and found a message someone sent me. Clicking on it, I found that someone named Mikey Achino from Chicago, IL had sent me a message. It read, and I quote, "dont dis cop and a half u ugly mother fucker."

I have no idea who Mikey Achino is. I was confused and hurt. Clicking on my movie review of "Cop and a Half" I found a list of reviews for the film by other people. I spotted mine, the one I posted months ago, and right under mine was Mikey Achino's review. It read, "this movie is awesome favorite movie growing up as a kid and this eric truchan kid is a fag, and ur ugly u fag" Besides the fact that Mikey Achino doesn't know how to use capital letters or punctuation, he has it in his head that I am a fag, and apparently very ugly. Hey man, my mom says I’m handsome.

Mikey Achino took the worst children’s movie I ever saw as a kid, found a review I wrote as an adult, took the time to message me a personal comment about my looks, and then posted a public domain review about what a "fag" I was. Unbelievable string of event by Mr. Mikey Achino. Applause to the frat guy who claims he likes The Dismemberment Plan and, of course, Death Cab for Cutie.

If you see or know Mikey Achino from Chicago, feel free to kick him for me or send him boat loads of spam messages. I never thought this children's movie would come back to make me cry so hard in my beer. Damn you Mikey Achino. You have not won yet!!!